Not a part time Christian...

So I wrote this long blog pouring out my heart over a week ago, it took me a couple hours and I finally go to post it and instead of editing it, I accidently deleted it! Uuugh! I thought well, maybe God really didn't want me to share all that about myself here, that it was too long and really not that good. Well, since then, life has been tough, ya know the enemy really working hard to pull me away from the path. So this morning in my time with the Lord, I found the blog I wrote in a notebook, read it, prayed it, gave to God....so now I reveal my truths here for those who care to read it. Maybe it will bless some, it blesses me to share it.

Not a part time Christian...

It just amazes me now how much of my life I have wasted being a "part time Christian". sure, I grew up going to church every Sunday, did all things I was supposed to do. Then on Monday morning I was right back in the trappings of the world & wondering why God let bad things happen to me. I always felt so unworthy, insecure and unhappy and I could never figure out why. I surely was not meant to be a holy person but I tried. I know God had blessed me with so much in my life, a loving and devoted husband and father to our 2 great kids, parents who loved and supported me the best they could my entire life. Yet still, I felt so empty, lost and that nothing was ever good enough. Something surely must be wrong with me! So I blamed others for my unhappiness or situations. If only....I could lose 10lbs, I had more money, I had a bigger house....THEN I would be happy!I tried everything I could think of to understand God's plan for me. I worked hard, I became the perfect wife (in pictures) I joined numerous bible studies, therapy, read tons of self help books and even tried medications but nothing could help my misery I felt deep inside me. On the outside, no one would ever know. People always commented on my perfect family & my perfect life. I was so good at faking it.

Then it wasn't until last year when my whole world was shaken when I experienced the deaths of both my parents. Sure everyone has to deal with loosing their parents but until it happens to you just never know how it will effect you. You see, I put so much of my happiness and unhappiness into my relationship with them. I depended on them way too much. My mother's passing was a total shock, she was the caregiver for my alining father for 4 years and surely she was not suppose to go first. My father passed 3 months after her and it was a true blessing. I was there by each their sides as they passed and at that moment of death I felt God's presence with me like I never had before. I felt HIS awesomeness, HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS love, finally I got it! I prayed everyday for God to continue to get me through the great grief I felt but as time went on my heart just would not mend.

The pain became to great to bear and I did something I thought I would NEVER do......I GAVE UP ON GOD! I turned my back on Him, I built a wall around my heart because loving so much was just too painful. I gave up hope that I would ever be the same and I never wanted to feel the pain of loss again. I became a totally self absorbed person. I felt I had worked hard enough raising my kids, being wife and now I deserved to do whatever I wanted to be happy. I believed all the lies of the enemy and I let them destroy me and my marriage. My husband and I could not be in the same room without arguing, it became ugly. We could only stand each other if we were partying heavily .

I became a person I did not recognize. I could not look into the mirror. I could not look at pictures of my parents or children. I turned away from everything my parents instilled in me and everything I tried to instill in my children. I broke ties with family and friends. I just wallowed in the mud .

Until my darkest hour....when God blasted me back to reality when my husband demanded a divorce! For 3 days straight we argued until a miracle occurred....God moved us to our knees and together for the first time in 28 years we prayed for our lives! God's mercy, love and grace filled our hearts for the first time. HE told us to pen our eyes and look into our own and each others hearts and that HIS love is there and that only through HIM will we be at peace and find the true love and happiness that HE so wants us to have!

Call it being saved, called it conversion....it's all GOD'S AMAZING GRACE!

So that was over 3 months ago and our lives have totally changed. I'm not saying it's been easy but through choosing to live as a Godly couple together everyday we are making it happen one blessed day at a time! All our truths of our past have been revealed and every scripture we read makes sense and encourages us daily. we realize it will never be an easy path and that being a Christian is not merely a part time job but rather a dedication of ones entire life!

Thanks for reading....be blessed my friends, I so am! <3 Deb

"But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself him who is godly; the Lord will hear when I call to Him." Psalm 4:3

"for those who honor Me, I will honor and those who despise me shall be lightly esteemed."

1 Samuel 2:30