A Trip to the Inside

I leave tomorrow.  I will fly through Paris (drool out the window and wish it were an 18 hour layover) and land in Riga, Latvia.  I will be flying there with 22 orphans who will be returning from their winter host trip.  It is going to be a big, heavy, emotional, powerful, and beautiful trip.

I will be staying for 12 days with two other amazing women and I will be interviewing and photographing more orphans for the summer host program with Project One Forty Three.

I will be going to orphanage after orphanage, meeting child after child who wants and needs the same things: love, a family, a chance, to belong, to be wanted, to be rescued.  I will meet them, love on them, and leave.

I need much prayer... much prayer.

I had a dream the other night.  We were looking for a house and the realtor took me to the craziest place.  It was in the middle of town and there was this huge wall and gate.  The gate opened and our car went inside and it was an entirely different world... right there in the middle of mine.  Everything was run down and stores were empty.  The sky was gray and there was smoke everywhere and people walking everywhere and garbage was everywhere.  It was horrible.  Tall dark buildings were everywhere and they were apartment buildings.

I could not believe the realtor had brought me there.  I was mad and confused.  Did he not know me better than that?  Did he really think I would want an apartment here?  I felt like he was wasting my time and then it got worse.

He took me to an apartment and this sweet woman opened the door to show me and try to sell me her apartment.  It was filthy.  I could tell she had tried to clean it up for me but with little success.  Many of the walls only had a layer of paper in holes separating the cold from outside.  I walked through to be gracious to her.  Then I politely thanked her and told her she had a lovely home.  "So you will buy it," she said.  "No, I can't it is not big enough," I replied.  She looked at me with imploring eyes and then started trying to convince me it was big enough.  I could hardly hear her for the sound of the thoughts running through my head. 

Earlier, one of the realtors in the office had made a comment about her taking her own life... they feared she may commit suicide.  So as she stood before me in panic, "needing" me to buy her apartment to live, wringing her hands and imploring... all I could think about was, "You are here now, you see this, you know this, you are now responsible... this is your responsibility... you can't just walk away now."

I woke up tired.  You know those dreams that just zap all the energy out of you?  I started telling Don my dream and it hit me.  We have been looking for another house and so I was confused at first about what it meant but then it hit me.  This dream was not about houses.  It was about my trip.  It was about children.  About lives.  About hope.

I was about to go in... to the inside.  We have adopted three children, we have hosted three, we sponsor three, and we have been child advocates for years.  But I have never really been "inside".

I was about to be way responsible.  I felt a weight of heaviness and dread.

The next night, we worshipped with a dear group of believers and they prayed over me.  One precious woman spoke words that smacked me.  "You are not responsible.  You will go love them and you will come back and be their voice.  But you can trust God with the rest."  I sobbed.  I needed that so badly.  And the LORD knew it.  And He gave it to me. Peace.  Sweet Peace.

And even though I am going "inside"...  I will love them and look for opportunities to share Christ with them.  I will photograph them.  And I will leave.  I will return and I will be their voice and I will try so hard to find host families for them.  But I do not hold the weight of responsibility.  It is in the LORD'S hands.  They are in the LORD'S hands.  He is WAY WAY bigger than I am!  I will obey and do my part... the part He designed for me.  And He will do the rest.

Please pray for me.  Please let the Holy Spirit guide you in prayer and pray every time you think about it.

Thank you... much much love,

Dawn