The Real Ugly Truth of It... and Then New Mercies!

Last night I was lying in bad, thinking, amongst all the other drama bouncing around in my head, about what a horrible blogger I have become!  I used to have my camera in hand at all times and blog about just about anything.  Then year by year, the posts became less and less and then there is the current... maybe posting 10 a month.  And without wonderful eye catching pictures. So sad.  Time.  Lack of time!

So I almost jumped right out of bed to hit the computer and post an apology to Amy about being such a slack contributor to this amazing blog she has created.  And I thought, "I'll tell her that I am just in the depths of such attack and frustration and ugliness that she is far better off with me not saying anything..."  and then I heard her answer, "But that is exactly what you need to write about... the truth... even when it's ugly."  (HA Amy... jumped right in there for ya!)

My husband and I were lying there and staring at the ceiling as I shared truth with him... ugly truth.  It began to pour out of me after he asked one simple question: "Do you enjoy being a mother?"

Pause.
Thought.
Answer.
Truth.
Ugliness.
Sorrow.

Spoken.

"No."  I answered in raw truth that jumped out of my mouth.

My husband was shocked.  But handled it well. 

So I continued:
"That is my answer now... today... yesterday... and the day before.  No.  I am exhausted.  I am so tired and feel like I am just failing in so many ways.  I have idea how to reach "A" and her rejection and ugly attitude towards me every day, as I pour myself out to her, just makes me angry and frustrated and sad and depleted.  I don't even want to try anymore.  There is nothing left.  And I love her with every inch of my soul... a deep love that has fought for her very life.  But I don't like her.  And that fact makes me feel horrible and ugly and dirty every single day. My soul cries out and I long for her to be someone she is not.  I swing back and forth from wanting to accept her and her illness and attitudes and just deal with back to wanting to teach her better and fight for her in the heavenly realms!  And her words cut me every day... sometimes I lose it after several direct scratches and other times, there is a deep cut and I fold.  I am so tired of this.  I can't do this.

And then I have to put on my "preschool" mother hat and pull out the play dough and sing silly songs and play with blocks and then I have to put on my "tween" hat and sing Selena Gomez songs with "T" and talk about puberty and sex and friendship and God.  And then I have to sling on the "sex kitten" hat when you come home and try to be the wife who just has everything together and all the energy in the world when all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for... a month."

"I don't even know who I am anymore.  And I am hurting so badly and have no idea how you or anyone else can help me.  And then someone says I have this great heart and I just cringe.  No.  No I don't.  It is not good.  Oh how it is not good.  Really."

So we stared at the ceiling. 

And thoughts of blogging came to my mind.  Funny.

Saturday night, I cried out to the Lord... begging to see Him, to hear from Him, to feel Him.
 
And He came.

As I began to worship Him, Psalm 38 popped into my mind.  I love it when this happens and so I immediately opened my Bible to see what He had for me. 

Psalm 38  "O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me with your wrath. (1)  My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. (4) My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health left in my body. (7)  * I had to catch my breath and reread this last verse.  I have thrown my back out THREE times in the past 5 weeks.  The stress in my body is just taking a toll. I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O LORD; You will answer O LORD my God. (14 & 15)

As that settled in my heart, I continued to worship, so thankful He had spoken to me... and pricked with sadness at the sin that lies within me.

Then we began to sing, "I Surrender All," and the words could not leave my lips.  As my hand covered my mouth and tears began to flow down my face, I heard my Father tell me, "YOU DO NOT SURRENDER "A" TO ME."  And I knew it was such truth.  I fled the room and tried to find a spot in the house where I could have a break down alone.  I found a corner in the dinning room and started sobbing.



Once I could muster enough energy to look up, I sought the face of the shoulder I had saturated with tears.  Sweet Joy.  Joy was her name.  Precious woman of God who saw me leave the room and felt the LORD tell her to go after me.  Precious.  She prayed for me... as a mother... a mother's prayer.

When I went back to continue worshiping, Psalm 66 came to me.  "Shout with joy to God, all the earth!  Sing the glory of His name, make His praise glorious!  Say to God, How awesome are your deeds!  So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you.  All the earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name. (1-4) For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.  You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs.  You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us into abundance. (10-12) I cried out to Him with my mouth; His praise was on my tongue.  If I had cherished sin in my heart, the LORD would not have  listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.  Praise be to God who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (17-20)

Blown away.  I was blown away.  I was saturated in His presence with His breath and love and truth.
I left feeling cleansed and renewed and full of hope.

And then the bottom fell out Sunday morning as I tried to help "A" get ready for church.  I didn't see it coming.  I was vulnerable... full of hope.  And I blew.

Hence this is where the conversation came from last night.

And then came Monday morning.
I had voiced raw and ugly truth to the man I love and share my life with.  And what did he do with that?  He offered to let me sleep in and not have to do the morning routine.  And I took the offer.
He then brought me breakfast in bed.
He loved me.
He served me.
He was Christ to me.
He let me lie in new mercies and showered me with love.

I had a sweet friend call to love on my this morning.  She blessed me with her friendship.
I was touched with the album, Simply Nothing, by Shawn McDonald, ALL DAY LONG.  I have listened to it about 20 times.  EVERY SONG is my cry.  It is amazing.
Another friend brought me dinner.
God showered me with His love today.

And I feel Him.
And I know that He will be there again tomorrow.
And that I will get through this storm filled season one day at a time with Him... and not one step without Him.
And that He loves me... ugly truth and all.
And He has more for me.  More of Him.  More of His truth.  More of His strength.  More of His mercy.  More of His grace.  More of His love.  More of His Presence.  More of His lessons.  More of His calling me closer... every so closer to holiness.  And all the sin has to be burned away.  Burned with Holy Fire.

How can I have such love?
Jesus.
Love.
Redemption.
Life.
Grace.

Let that love be ever flowing from me.  That is my prayer.

Romans 3:21-26
Romans 8:28
Ephesians 3:14-21
Isaiah 58:8,9
Isaiah 43:1,2
Psalm 61: 1-5

Love, Dawn