Not Enough Time

I had major surgery two weeks ago and have been recuperating at home. I thought I'd have lots to blog about while I had a little extra time but, surprisingly, the urge hadn't hit me. Then, last night, I sat with a friend - a mother who is living every mother's worst nightmare - and thoughts poured through my mind. Unspeakable words. Senseless tragedy.

I layed in bed last night and thought of this beautiful, sweet boy and his grieving family, and I cried again. I was overwhelmed by the affirmation that darkness is real, and it is slowly swallowing up our children. We live in a culture that no longer values life. If the erosion had happened from one day to the next, no one would have stood for it, but it happened over decades, and those of us who should have spoken up were silent. Now that I want to speak, I find myself unable to...I'm at a loss for words. Questions that are spiritual in nature have become political, and I can only imagine how it saddens the heart of The Creator.

This is what I want to say, what I have to write.

Life comes from God, a precious and delicate gift. And while it is up to us to make use of the lives we're given, we've got to understand that we're just stewards. I'm not the "captain of my ship", and I've certainly got no authority to define for someone else what his or her "quality of life" should be. The truth is, life is hard. It's messy, and it's troubling. Much of the time, it hurts. We've bought into the lie that we deserve something less difficult, less painful, less uncomfortable and challenging, and we've raised a generation with that misconception. Now, they're paying the price, and so are we.

Before he went to his room last night, I told my son I loved him. I hugged him a little tighter than usual, and I looked him in the eyes to say, "There is nothing so bad that we cannot get through it together. That will always be true. God is bigger than any problem you will ever face, and that will always be true. He always has a higher purpose, though you may not see it, and He will always redeem the messes you make in life. That is His character, and it will always be true." 
If only I could share that message with every depressed teenager who has been deceived by the darkness and sees no way out....If only I could go back in time and share it again with this one, this boy being missed by his mom today.  

~Maria

G2K

Isaiah 41:10

New International Version (NIV)

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Good to Know!

So I've come to the realization that we all struggle! Yes, it's actually taken me this long to figure it out! My whole life I've been searching for perfection. To be the perfect daughter, perfect wife and perfect mother, etc...and ALWAYS falling short!

Well, duuh! I've been so hard on myself trying to keep it all perfect that I made a huge mess of things and in the process and made so many others miserable!

Wow, what a hard truth to swallow!

Through God's word, I've found that people throughout time have ALWAYS struggled and those that were blessed had faith in God..NO MATTER WHAT!

Simple right? No, it's never going to be easy but it is very possible. Life is full of challenges for us all. The more we turn over every aspect of our struggles to God, the more we will given HIS peace,grace and mercy. Oh how I LOVE peace! It is so much nicer that turmoil. It makes me sad that for so many years I had it all wrong, but I can not dwell on that now. I can only give thanks and praise to the Lord, that I once was lost & now I am definitely FOUND!

Life is not about Perfection but Progress and THAT my friends is

SO GOOD TO KNOW!

Keep it real friends!

:) Deb

The Real Ugly Truth of It... and Then New Mercies!

Last night I was lying in bad, thinking, amongst all the other drama bouncing around in my head, about what a horrible blogger I have become!  I used to have my camera in hand at all times and blog about just about anything.  Then year by year, the posts became less and less and then there is the current... maybe posting 10 a month.  And without wonderful eye catching pictures. So sad.  Time.  Lack of time!

So I almost jumped right out of bed to hit the computer and post an apology to Amy about being such a slack contributor to this amazing blog she has created.  And I thought, "I'll tell her that I am just in the depths of such attack and frustration and ugliness that she is far better off with me not saying anything..."  and then I heard her answer, "But that is exactly what you need to write about... the truth... even when it's ugly."  (HA Amy... jumped right in there for ya!)

My husband and I were lying there and staring at the ceiling as I shared truth with him... ugly truth.  It began to pour out of me after he asked one simple question: "Do you enjoy being a mother?"

Pause.
Thought.
Answer.
Truth.
Ugliness.
Sorrow.

Spoken.

"No."  I answered in raw truth that jumped out of my mouth.

My husband was shocked.  But handled it well. 

So I continued:
"That is my answer now... today... yesterday... and the day before.  No.  I am exhausted.  I am so tired and feel like I am just failing in so many ways.  I have idea how to reach "A" and her rejection and ugly attitude towards me every day, as I pour myself out to her, just makes me angry and frustrated and sad and depleted.  I don't even want to try anymore.  There is nothing left.  And I love her with every inch of my soul... a deep love that has fought for her very life.  But I don't like her.  And that fact makes me feel horrible and ugly and dirty every single day. My soul cries out and I long for her to be someone she is not.  I swing back and forth from wanting to accept her and her illness and attitudes and just deal with back to wanting to teach her better and fight for her in the heavenly realms!  And her words cut me every day... sometimes I lose it after several direct scratches and other times, there is a deep cut and I fold.  I am so tired of this.  I can't do this.

And then I have to put on my "preschool" mother hat and pull out the play dough and sing silly songs and play with blocks and then I have to put on my "tween" hat and sing Selena Gomez songs with "T" and talk about puberty and sex and friendship and God.  And then I have to sling on the "sex kitten" hat when you come home and try to be the wife who just has everything together and all the energy in the world when all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for... a month."

"I don't even know who I am anymore.  And I am hurting so badly and have no idea how you or anyone else can help me.  And then someone says I have this great heart and I just cringe.  No.  No I don't.  It is not good.  Oh how it is not good.  Really."

So we stared at the ceiling. 

And thoughts of blogging came to my mind.  Funny.

Saturday night, I cried out to the Lord... begging to see Him, to hear from Him, to feel Him.
 
And He came.

As I began to worship Him, Psalm 38 popped into my mind.  I love it when this happens and so I immediately opened my Bible to see what He had for me. 

Psalm 38  "O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me with your wrath. (1)  My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. (4) My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health left in my body. (7)  * I had to catch my breath and reread this last verse.  I have thrown my back out THREE times in the past 5 weeks.  The stress in my body is just taking a toll. I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O LORD; You will answer O LORD my God. (14 & 15)

As that settled in my heart, I continued to worship, so thankful He had spoken to me... and pricked with sadness at the sin that lies within me.

Then we began to sing, "I Surrender All," and the words could not leave my lips.  As my hand covered my mouth and tears began to flow down my face, I heard my Father tell me, "YOU DO NOT SURRENDER "A" TO ME."  And I knew it was such truth.  I fled the room and tried to find a spot in the house where I could have a break down alone.  I found a corner in the dinning room and started sobbing.



Once I could muster enough energy to look up, I sought the face of the shoulder I had saturated with tears.  Sweet Joy.  Joy was her name.  Precious woman of God who saw me leave the room and felt the LORD tell her to go after me.  Precious.  She prayed for me... as a mother... a mother's prayer.

When I went back to continue worshiping, Psalm 66 came to me.  "Shout with joy to God, all the earth!  Sing the glory of His name, make His praise glorious!  Say to God, How awesome are your deeds!  So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you.  All the earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name. (1-4) For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.  You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs.  You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us into abundance. (10-12) I cried out to Him with my mouth; His praise was on my tongue.  If I had cherished sin in my heart, the LORD would not have  listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.  Praise be to God who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" (17-20)

Blown away.  I was blown away.  I was saturated in His presence with His breath and love and truth.
I left feeling cleansed and renewed and full of hope.

And then the bottom fell out Sunday morning as I tried to help "A" get ready for church.  I didn't see it coming.  I was vulnerable... full of hope.  And I blew.

Hence this is where the conversation came from last night.

And then came Monday morning.
I had voiced raw and ugly truth to the man I love and share my life with.  And what did he do with that?  He offered to let me sleep in and not have to do the morning routine.  And I took the offer.
He then brought me breakfast in bed.
He loved me.
He served me.
He was Christ to me.
He let me lie in new mercies and showered me with love.

I had a sweet friend call to love on my this morning.  She blessed me with her friendship.
I was touched with the album, Simply Nothing, by Shawn McDonald, ALL DAY LONG.  I have listened to it about 20 times.  EVERY SONG is my cry.  It is amazing.
Another friend brought me dinner.
God showered me with His love today.

And I feel Him.
And I know that He will be there again tomorrow.
And that I will get through this storm filled season one day at a time with Him... and not one step without Him.
And that He loves me... ugly truth and all.
And He has more for me.  More of Him.  More of His truth.  More of His strength.  More of His mercy.  More of His grace.  More of His love.  More of His Presence.  More of His lessons.  More of His calling me closer... every so closer to holiness.  And all the sin has to be burned away.  Burned with Holy Fire.

How can I have such love?
Jesus.
Love.
Redemption.
Life.
Grace.

Let that love be ever flowing from me.  That is my prayer.

Romans 3:21-26
Romans 8:28
Ephesians 3:14-21
Isaiah 58:8,9
Isaiah 43:1,2
Psalm 61: 1-5

Love, Dawn  

So it seems...

For I am very near to falling, and my grief is with me always. Indeed, I acknowledge my guilt; I grieve over my sin. But my undeserved enemies are strong; many are foes without a cause. Those who repay evil for good harass me for pursuing good. Forsake me not, O Lord; my God, be not far from me! Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation! Psalm 38:18-23

So it seems...

the closer I get to you Lord, the more the enemy pulls at me;

the more I understand you Lord, the more people come into my life that tempt me.

How easy I feel that I can fall from your Grace when pulled by the stresses of this world. Keep me strong, be with me in every moment of every day. I know it's not you that moves away but rather me. Give me hope in the difficult moments of my days. Give me peace of mind that all will work according to your will.

Is my human weakness worthy of such blessings? For your word tells me it is so. I love you Lord, you are my salvation, my only hope, my joy is in you and no one else. I will not let the trappings of this world steal it from me and burden my family with it's lies.

Thank you Lord, for loving me, for forgiving me, for encouraging me, for blessing me with my family and my dear sweet friends in Christ.

Let the world know that I am a Christian by my love!

<3 Deb

Let No One Steal Your Joy

My girls are so busy! No, I don't have a house full of daughters (mercifully, I have ONE and though she is a blessing like no other, God knew that I didn't have the energy for another so he gave me a boy 3 years later). The girls I'm referring to are my girlfriends who contribute to this blog.

So, bear with me, as I take the reigns for a few days while they recuperate, relax, re-energize and reorganize   :-)

Does your life right now resemble their scenario? "If it's not one thing, it's another", "Murphy's Law", "I believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but really??"   I know, friends. Times are crazy and most of us are stressed about something right now. Whether it's school, health, kids, our extended families, finances, job security, car troubles or our pets, there are probably one or more of these that want to steal our peace and joy.    

Well, guess what? We are not going to allow it! Armed with the Word of God, our joy will come from Christ today and every day. Troubles will come but we are going to give those troubles to God and take rest. Easier said than done? Yes....and no.

If you're feeling particularly burdened today with something (anything!), might I suggest just a few passages to read and pray upon? These are well worn pages in most bibles and though you may not have your health issues disappear or your finances immediately taken care of, you will find peace if you release your fears and take back your joy. These are all from The Message (MSG) bible translation today~ read here or read in your own bible but go to Him. I'm praying for you!

1 Corinthians 10:13

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

Ephesians 1:13-14

It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free—signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit. This signet from God is the first installment on what's coming, a reminder that we'll get everything God has planned for us, a praising and glorious life.

James 1:12

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.

Psalm 55:22

Pile your troubles on God's shoulders— he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin.

Matthew 7:11

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

John 16:33

Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."